Listen More and Talk Less

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19 (NLT)

I chose today’s verse because I felt like it was the perfect backdrop for what I’m sharing today. It’s a Facebook post written by my long time friend, Sarah Bramblett. Sarah and I met years ago in Iceland when our husbands were stationed at NAS Keflavik, Iceland. We haven’t lived in close proximity a lot since then, but for a short period of time our duty stations did a quick overlap in Virginia Beach. Fortunately, the world has become much smaller with the help of the internet.

Sarah is not only my friend, she’s an amazing woman. She’s a grandma now. She and her husband are currently taking flying lessons, so they can “go see the grandkid and kids” and her dad too. She’s smart, funny, and always learning. She’s a Jesus-follower who is always looking for ways to use what she’s learned to bring help and healing to those around her. No! She’s not pushy about it; she’s just super kind and compassionate. She’s willing to invest her time, energy, and resources to help anyone in need. She’s generous, but also wise enough to recognize when just coming alongside someone is all the help they really need. For more about Sarah, you can read her bio at the bottom of this post. And just in case you’re wondering, I did ask Sarah’s permission.

“Long post here…but I’ve had to take time to find what I want to say with the right words. I tried to be concise and not muddy the message. I suspect most, if not all of you, will feel about the same, but I wanted to say it anyway.

I want to share some things I’ve learned in life. Everyone wants to feel included and that they belong. They need to know they matter. When people don’t feel heard and understood, they repeat themselves – sometimes more loudly or aggressively, and often simplifying the message. The more important their view is to them, the more effort they will put into getting their message across. Being told “I heard you” only works if there is matching action. The listener does not have to agree, but they have to engage to let the speaker know they are being heard. They have to be “present”. This is the only way to let the speaker feel heard and that they matter. If this is not done, the connection and conversation cannot proceed – nothing will get resolved.

The current social tensions are just like this. Part of our people feel like they don’t matter to the other part of the people and that their needs to be included and belong are ignored. This is, literally, a life and death situation for them. Because it is important that the rest of the population hears and understands, they are getting louder, simplifying the message, and sometimes getting more aggressive in the delivery. This is to be expected in a life and death situation. The rest of the people need to not only hear, but engage with presence. Being present is listening, not challenging the message, confirming you heard and understood the speaker’s message by sharing your understanding of what you heard, and giving the speaker the right to express their feelings – even though it’s uncomfortable. Doing this does not take away your place at the table, it allows everyone a place at the table. It allows everyone to belong and to matter. It allows us all to de-escalate so we can connect and proceed. We need a collaborative discussion and focused problem solution to make sure that law breakers are still caught, but officers and civilians are not hurt, and no one is left feeling like they don’t matter. Because they do.

These are just my thoughts, based on what I know about people and how they interact. I don’t know anyone who is so ignorant as to say black people are not as valuable, or human, as white people, but I know several black people that would say they don’t feel safe, protected, or valued. That breaks my heart and I hate that I can see why. That means there is evidence in the world that their feelings are justified. I cannot change anyone else. All I can do is to add my voice to the call to find real, effective change and to make a space at the table on either side of me and be present.” -Sarah Bramblett

LORD, soften my heart to hurt when others hurt. Help me to cry over the things that make You and others cry. Teach me to listen, to quietly stand with those who are hurting, speak out against injustice, and freely offer hope to the hopeless.

And LORD, for those reading this today, please help them know just how much You love them. Help them know You didn’t make a mistake when You created them in their mother’s womb. They are fearfully and wonderfully made. And help those around them to see them as the beautiful, lovable, and valuable individuals they are. Thank You for making each one. Thank You for the unique harmony they bring to the music of life. Amen.

Scripture quotations are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright ©1996, 2004, 2015 by Tyndale House Foundation. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, a Division of Tyndale House Ministries, Carol Stream, Illinois 60188. All rights reserved.

Sarah’s bio: Sarah grew up in a Christian military family. She has been married 28 years, raised 2 children, and is blessed to be a grandmother now. She was exposed to cultural diversity at an early age and it remained a way of life for her throughout her entire life.   She has lived in 4 countries outside of the United States and learned to appreciate different values and cultures. She was truly surprised at the differences when, after her husband retired from a military career, she moved away from the “military towns” she had always lived in and ended up in a place where there was very little diversity. She became a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in 2008 and has worked with a multitude of different families and individuals, finding ways to help them resolve problems through developing insight, increasing communication skills, and growing deeper connections with themselves and others. There is so much that goes into each person’s and each relationship’s development, but ultimately, it comes down to people knowing they are not alone, that someone cares, that someone is with them in their struggles and their joys.